


Learning to Forget

by thatboiphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, It's not all angsty I promise, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Strangers to Friends, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 17:48:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15345207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatboiphil/pseuds/thatboiphil
Summary: In reality, Dan was just broken. His pieces crushed and scattered in a storm so great, that he couldn’t possibly imagine putting himself back together again. And yet, here he was. Because in swooped a lonely stranger with a headlamp and incredible determination, willing to help Dan search through the rubble of his life. The only question was if Dan was willing to let him in.





	Learning to Forget

Maybe this is what Dan was destined for. Maybe every past experience in his life, every fuck up he had worked so hard to overcome, had just been precursors for how his life was meant to play out in the end. Maybe his dog running away when he was seven years old, after only having him a few months, was his first taste, his first glimpse at his future life. His own fucked forever. Was he considering this the end now? Was that sad? Dan didn’t know. Even if it wasn’t the end, it sure as hell felt like it.

Laughing bitterly into the warm air of this summer night, Dan couldn’t help but agree with himself. It was most definitely the end of a lot of things. Actual sleep being one, Dan genuinely can’t remember the last time he’d slept for more than a couple of hours at a time. And ‘sleep’ might be a very liberal term for the restless tossing and turning he does in his too empty bed in the early hours of the morning. A rest that leaves him somehow even more tired than before he had lain down.

Not like that really matters right now. It was nearly midnight and Dan was on his third cup of coffee of the night. Future Dan would probably hate him because he wouldn’t be able to keep his eyes open during his early morning shift but, oh well. That was future Dan’s problem, and present Dan was selfish.

The familiar neon lights of his local pub stand out brilliantly in comparison to the dark night scene of downtown and Dan sighs in relief. Walking for a drink was all the exercise he was willing to do at this point. Especially in the seemingly never-ending heat that had the soft cotton of his shirt sticking to his pale skin.

The smell of cigarette smoke quickly fills his nose as Dan walks through the pub’s open front doors. He turns his head up instinctually, the smell having never appealed to him in the slightest. He genuinely doesn’t understand all the hype around the self-induced cancer sticks, or how anyone could afford such a costly habit. Then he scowled remembering that not everyone was a college drop out barely making more than minimum wage. And that was his cue to start drinking.

Dan makes his way and sits himself down at the furthest end of the bar, flagging down the bartender. After a minute a short man with dyed blonde hair is waiting to take Dan’s order.

“I’ll have a uh,” Dan looks back at the large selection of drinks, his eyes focusing and unfocusing as he tries to make out what exactly he wants. Maybe three cups of coffee in less than an hour wasn’t the greatest idea. “A uh-”

“Look kid,” The guy sighs, clearly annoyed. “Either order something now or don’t waste my time.”

Dan splutters slightly as a red blush creeps across his tired face. Before he can gather his wits again to speak he feels a hard clap on his shoulder. 

“We’ll both take a Jack and Coke, on me thanks.”A firm voice cuts through the stiff air that Dan had accumulated around him.

He turns to see an attractive man sat down beside him dressed tightly in black jeans and a green button up. He definitely wasn’t sitting there a minute ago. Or maybe he was and Dan’s sleep-deprived brain just hadn’t noticed. He did notice, however, that the man’s hand was still sat firmly on Dan’s shoulder.

“Uh thanks, I guess.” Dan says, strategically turning himself in a way that put his shoulder just out of the man’s reach. Deciding not to be a total prick, he holds out his hand lamely. “Dan.”

“Kevin.” The man replies, grin too bright and eyes too warm as he takes Dan’s hand and shakes it obliviously.

Pulling his hand away, Dan offers only a tight-lipped smile in return before turning back to the bar. Hoping to evade any form of attempted small talk.

“So, you here alone?”

Dan grimaces before turning back to face the man, putting on a smile that doesn't look as fake as it feels. 

“Uh yea,” Dan nods. “Yea I guess.”

The man, Kevin, chuckles loudly as if Dan has said something hilarious. “You guess? You seem to do a lot of guessing bud, is there anything you know.”

He knows that he had meant it as a joke but Dan scoffs and raises an eyebrow anyway. “Yea. How to shut down and asshole real quick.”

“Oh yea,” Kevin laughs lowly, inching closer to Dan. “And how is that?”

Dan only smirks as he pulls out his phone, turning back round to face the bar just in time to knock over the drink he hadn't even noticed be delivered. Hearing the bartenders exasperated groan, and the loud cackle let out from Kevin, Dan took it as his cue to leave. 

“Oh come on!” Dan hears Kevin call after him. “At least let me get your number!”

Dan’s only response as he shuffles past the patrons on his way out is the raising of his middle fingers and a curse that would make anyone’s gran weep. Dan huffed at the realization that he would now need to find yet another bar to frequent. There was no way he’d be able to show his face there again. At least this night hadn’t ended up with him getting kicked out from dancing on a table plastered off his head.

-

“Late again, Howell? I wouldn’t make a habit out of this.”

Dan nods as he apologizes to his coworker. “I know, I’m sorry Meghan. I just-” What is he supposed to say? ‘I pissed off a bartender, went back to my flat and cried into a bottle of whiskey till the sun came up?’ No, that definitely wouldn’t play out well. “I was sick yesterday, just overslept ‘s all. Promise it won’t happen again.”

Even for all his shortcomings, Dan does pride himself on his good work ethic. Or he did, at least. The past few weeks had been harder than most. So pulling himself out of bed every day, especially still slightly drunk, to go to work at retail? Hard. 

“Yea I’ve heard that before,” Meghan huffs, clicking her well-manicured nails. “Just don’t let it happen again okay? I covered for you this time, and yesterday, but Mary is already looking for a reason to fire your ass. So don’t give her one.”

“What is that about anyway?” Dan asks. “I don’t think I’ve ever even talked to her directly, let alone given her a reason to hate me so much.” 

He knows that he’s not a particularly likable person, really. But his boss just had this immense amount of hatred directed right at Dan that he really didn’t understand. It’s not like he’s done anything to piss her off, not intentionally at least. He’s on time, for the most part. He works to the end of his shift, and yet, here he was. Having a girl he barely knows cover for him because his boss has a stick up her ass.

“She thinks you’re gay.”

And there it is.

Dan drops the pen he’d picked up and turns to look at Meghan. “What?”

“Yea, she uh, she actually asked me if you were.” Meghan wouldn’t meet his eyes as she talked. Instead, she was seemingly fascinated with the empty box that she was supposed to be throwing away.

“Oh.” Dan frowns. “And uh, what did you say?”

Meghan turns to him then and smiles slightly. Dan thinks it was meant to be reassuring but it only makes the twist in his stomach grow larger. “I said I didn’t know you that well and besides, what would it matter.”

“Well I’m not,” Dan states maybe a bit too quickly. “Gay, that is. Not like- not like there’s anything wrong with that I just, I’m not.”

“Never said you were buddy.” She was smirking now. “Her gaydars all wrong, I mean, I have a pride flag pin on my purse and she still suspects nothing.”

“Oh,” Dan raises an eyebrow. “You’re-”

“Gay?” Meghan laughs then. “Super.”

“Cool.”Dan picks his pen back up, not really knowing what to say. 

Meghan nods and turns back to her register then, frowning slightly. “You’re not, homophobic or anything? Are you?”

“No,” Dan reassures her, smiling. “No, I’m not.”

“Well good, because I wouldn’t wanna have to unfriend you Howell.”

Friends? That’s a new development but not a completely unwelcome one. He’d have to try a bit harder not to be so much of an ass to her.

The rest of work is entirely uneventful. A few customers here and there mostly returns and old women trying to haggle him but overall, not bad. Thursday’s are their slowest and for that Dan would be eternally grateful. Especially since he came in slightly drunk and left completely hungover. His shift was longer than usual though seeing as rent would be due soon and Dan had spent most of his last paycheck on beer and shots at bars.

Dan grimaces, he really needs to get his shit together. He knows that he could just ask his mum to help him out a bit if he really needed it, but Dan wasn’t particularly in the mood to be scolded at yet again. And at twenty-two, he felt like he should have at least a bit more of a handle on things than he currently does. The thought leaves him scowling and frustrated for the rest of his shift.

He doesn’t even really say bye to Meghan as he leaves, just kind of cleans up his station before checking out and leaving. ‘So long to being friends.’ Dan sighs knowing he’ll just have to apologize tomorrow when he checks in, she did save his ass after all. And it wouldn’t hurt to talk to another person every once in a while. God, now he sounds like his old therapist. That hadn’t lasted very long. By his third session, Dan was flaking on appointments and avoiding their calls. If he wasn’t so much of a coward he’d of canceled going on his own, but he didn’t. So he just kept out of contact until the calls stopped coming and he assumed they’d dropped him.

The walk back to his flat is hell. Loud cars and too many people, Dan was glad he didn’t live too far away. At least it was beginning to cool down slightly, the warm summer months turning to fall. He decides to take a bit of a shortcut on his way back home through a park. He’d like to think it was to take in the scenery but really, it’s because there’s a Starbucks right past it and he desperately needs some kind of energy. The sun begins to set as he walks through the leaf-strewn sidewalks, casting the sky in beautiful shades of pink and orange. Dan thinks he should enjoy it, but he doesn’t.

“Shit!” Dan grumbles as he reaches into his back pocket for his wallet, realizing he’d left it at work. No coffee this time then.

-

Dan makes it back to his flat, sweaty and tired and pissed that he’d forgotten his wallet. He changes into his pants and a questionably clean t-shirt as he rummages through his empty cabinets in an attempt to quiet his grumbling stomach. His search is in vain though as he realizes he hasn’t gone grocery shopping in- well, he can’t really remember. He walks past his open bathroom and catches sight of his reflection; dirty brown hair and coffee coloured eyes too tired to belong to someone so young.

Scowling, he shuts the door and walks over to his couch. A pile of clothes sits at the end and Dan sighs. 

“This is ridiculous.” He grumbles, gathering the clothes up in his arms and makes his way towards his sealed bedroom door.

He reaches for the doorknob but stops, swallowing thickly. Dan hadn’t actually been in his bedroom in months, hadn’t even tried to go in. Which is ridiculous because it’s a goddamn bedroom, not a haunted house, but he’s still scared. Not because there are demons past the door, but in him, and he knows what’s sitting on his bed, knows that if he goes in there, he’ll just be feeding them. And Dan isn’t strong enough to fight them, not right now.

But even knowing that, knowing what will happen if he goes in there and looks at the picture sitting cracked on his bed, he pushes the door open still.

It’s musky and dark and Dan reaches blindly against the wall in search for his light switch. When he does find he fumbles slightly, he can turn back now. He can still turn around now and walk out, but Dan is intent on getting through this himself. The light flips on and Dan glances around, avoiding the bed entirely. Everything is exactly how he left it, obviously, but still, it feels different. Because last time he was in here he wasn’t... he wasn’t like this.

Quickly, he throws the clothes in his arms into the dirty laundry hamper and spins around trying to keep his eyes off his bed, but he’s weak. So he looks. And just as he’d known, a sob threatens to wrack his body. Dan bites his hand as he walks over shakily, eyes staring intently at the picture sitting behind broken glass. Carefully, he picks up the picture and when he does, he doesn’t stop the tears that had threatened to spill before. Not like he could really hold them back if he tried anyway. Sobbing uncontrollably, Dan throws the framed picture against his furthest wall.

The already broken frame shatters further as it collides with his bedroom wall and Dan quickly grabs a pair of sweatpants before running out and slamming the door behind him, not caring to even turn off the light. He throws on his sweats, about to be out his front door and towards the closest liquor store before Dan remembers that he had left his wallet at work. Tears of frustration begin to well then as he walks back into his empty flat and marches towards his kitchen.

He knew he still had a little over half a bottle of old whiskey from the last time he’d had friends over hidden somewhere in his small kitchen. He’d been saving it for an emergency and well, this sure as hell felt like an emergency. Reaching around in his top cabinets blindly, Dan feels the familiar cool glass of his favorite scotch and pulls it down hastily.

It doesn’t take long before Dan feels the burning liquor settle warmly in his bones. feels it numb the sharp pain in his heart and drown out any tears he had left to cry. After an hour though Dan gives up on being able to forget what had caused his latest spiral. He gives up on trying to see it as just a picture because no, it was not just a picture. It was a picture of his dead best friend and Dan, Dan just wasn’t strong enough to see that yet. But here he was. 

Deciding that this was not where he needed to be right now, Dan made the familiar trek towards his window and down the fire escape. In retrospect, this was not a feat that anyone as plastered as Dan should make. But he didn’t care. Because right now, right now Dan needed to be in his apartment. Needed to be as close to him as he could.

So he crawled down the fire escape stairs slowly to the apartment right beneath him. Remembering when he would do this sober, when he wasn’t so broken, made Dan have to choke back another sob. Carefully, he got down to the familiar window of his best friends apartment. Even if he was dead, it was still Adam’s and Dan wouldn’t convince himself otherwise. It had been months of Dan sneaking down and ‘breaking in’ to the empty flat and still, it hurt to think of it as anything other than Adam’s.

Dan’s arms hang heavily at his sides but he lifts them with great effort and manages to pull open the balcony window. Luckily, it still wasn’t locked, so Dan was able to open it and hoist himself up. Breathing heavily Dan throws himself over the edge and into the apartment, sweat beginning to form on his brow. In reality, this was no impressive feat, but Dan was drunk, tired, and completely out of shape. So he could’ve been climbing Everest for all it mattered.

He expected to fall onto the hard wooden floor of his dead friends' old apartment. But instead, he fell onto the soft carpet of a barely lit living room. Dan looks up disorientated, this was definitely Adam’s apartment, the badly drawn stick figures outside the window told him that, but this was not Adam’s furniture. In fact, Adam’s furniture had been gone for months. No, this was someone else’s stuff.

Dan shoots up from laying on the floor, only to slam his head into the bottom of the window. He rolls over, groaning in pain before pushing himself up. Only to be faced by a confused looking stranger sitting on his couch.

“You okay there buddy?” The man had a thick accent, unmistakably northern but still understandable in Dan’s drunken state.

“Oh god, I’m sorry I uh, I-” Dan groaned as he rubbed the sore spot of his head. “I was really good friends with the guy who lived here before you and I uh, I spent a lot of time here. Old habits die hard I guess?”

It was a lame excuse really. But it probably sounded a hell of a lot better than ‘I was coming down here to sob pathetically in your living room’. 

Surprisingly, the guy only shrugged lazily as he motioned to his still open window. “Would you mind shutting that? I’ve got the aircon on, don’t want to waste it ya’ know.”

Dan’s brow furrows in confusion. “You’re not calling the police?”

“What? No of course not,” The man shakes his head and laughs. “I mean unless you were planning on murdering me? Though in your state I don’t think you’re much of a threat. ”

Decidedly too drunk to actually process what was said, Dan only nods as he grabs onto the ledge of the windowsill hoisting himself up.

“Well, s-sorry to bother you then I'll uh, I'll get out of your hair.”

The man hums before pausing his show. “You can stay over for a but if you want, at least till you sober up a bit more. I think trapezing up a fire escape this drunk would be a bit of a death sentence.”

Dan frowns. “ ‘m not drunk mate, besides, I got down here just fine didn’t I?”

“Maybe,” The man chuckles. “But I don’t know if you want to push your luck twice.”

As if the gods were intent on embarrassing Dan even more, he slips out of nowhere. Accidently judo kicking a potted plant off the windowsill. Well jokes on you universe, Dan thought, because I’m too drunk to care.

“Yea, definitely not drunk.” The man says as he rolls his eyes with no actual sense of malice. “Do you wanna watch some telly with me?”

Dan stays seated where he is on the floor for just a minute longer before turning and pulling shut the window behind him. He clambers onto the man’s couch and sits down at the farthest end, pulling his knees up to his chest. “ ‘m sorry about your plant.”

When Dan finally looks up he’s met with startling blue eyes, just a shade too familiar. “It’s okay mate, it was dead anyway. I’m Phil.”

The man, Phil, says as he stretches his hand out to Dan who just looks at it dumbly.

“Dan,” Dan says as he reaches between them and shakes Phil’s hand gingerly.

Looking up at the warm smile of the stranger in his best friends apartment, Dan sighs. It was definitely the end, but maybe he got to decide of what.


End file.
